Heart-warming and heart-breaking

So, the last couple of posts I’ve been starting like this “I’m so sorry I haven’t uploaded, it’s that…”. And hey, when was the last time anyway? Can you remember? ’cause I don’t…

Anyway, here I am again and that’s what matters! I don’t even know what my point with this post is and I think that’s the actual reason I took a break… I am not motivated at all, now I’ve returned because that’s something that cowards do: back off everytime something doesn’t turn out the way they want. I love blogging and I want to make something good out of this, so I can’t just walk away everytime I get down. I did needed to take some time for myself anyway, I was so… overwhelmed? I think that it kicked in just now that I moved and I’m away from my people and my places…

I wasn’t having a good time home, my parents didn’t help either, I was so stressed with a particular exam that was driving me crazy and I thought I could not pass, I wanted to go home and my country became the ultimate mess so I can’t, but I actually wanted to be alone. Some particular way I decided to take a walk and just breathe, I realized how lucky I am: I have a bed to sleep in, I have food, I can study and I have people who care about me, no matter if they’re not my family. So why am I letting only the bad things take over my mind? I’m having one hell of an opportunity and I’m not going to waste it. I have the opportunity to have a future, to have a new life, to grow, to discover myself, to prove myself that I AM as strong as other people told me, if not more, I know so many people that would give everything to have this chance, there are so many people that I left back home thinking about  me and missing me so hard that I cannot let them down, I cannot let myself down.

So that was it, I decided, I promised me to smile more, worry less, enjoy and live everyday to the fullest and I think I’m doing good. I’ve also been working on what I meantioned a few posts ago (or maybe the last one?), I’m done being the shy girl, I’m taking every opportunity I have to fool around, laugh and be with friends. Because that’s what we have at the end, you know? We only have the memories left, so let’s make them count.

One of the things I was most shocked about was my birthday, oh yes, I’m a legal adult now!!! But that’s not the point hehe. On my birthday I had school but I got out early and since I didn’t want to be alone, I decided to visit my Red Cross “director” (she’s not really my director, but I can’t find a better word), I texted her around noon to tell her I would go there after class. I always have a really good time with her, she’s actually one of my adoptive moms (I have three) so I almost died of love when, to my surprise, she’d waited for me with and ice cream cake and sang happy birthday to me!

The night  before my birthday I felt so weird, I knew it was gonna be a weird day and since a few years back, I hadn’t really enjoyed my birthday so much, it was just another ordinary day, but this one would for sure be different and I wasn’t sure if that would be good or not… IT WAS GREAT! Of course it was atypical, I was far way from home, from the people I’m usually with, we celebrated through Skype and Whatsapp voice notes, lovely incredible messages, and I didn’t feel alone. I didn’t feel alone because everyone was here, even the ones that are far and I noticed all the people I have with  me right now, I noticed for real that I have a new family and people who love me and support me and there couldn’t be a better feeling in the world than that: feeling loved. I think this is the day I truly changed my attitude. Why would I let a few people, family or not, make me feel bad when I have so many people I can count on?

I won’t say it’s not hard, really, because as you realize you have so many people there and those people are not your family and have no obligation to care for you, but still they do, it’s both heart-warming and heart-breaking. Bless the day I decided to join the Red Cross, I won’t get tired of saying that, I don’r know where I’d be now if I wasn’t a volunteer, these people are my family now, I’m amazed how closed we’ve grown in so little time. I cannot find the words to describe you what I’m feeling right now, it’s like… I don’t know, I can’t explain it, I’m so happy around them and it’s the little details I love, they sang happy birthday, bought me a cake, planned a whole surprise dinner, wrote me beautiful messages, I’m justt… I have no words. So yes, it’s both heart-warming an heart-breaking at some point, but I’ve come to accept it and to make the best out of it. Life’s too short, why should we waste it? Don’t you think?

I promise you it won’t take me so long to have a new post! Thanks for reading, this is just for you.

B.

New Year’s Resolution?

I had my first exam today!!! I can finally breathe and be a human again, ha! I’ve had a few busy days because wow, I was so nervous and stressed because of this test. It was history, and that had me very worried. I didn’t seem to understand and remember information, I was just too way out of my mind. I really wanted to do well on this one because if I do very well on both exams I don’t have to take the final, and I really DO NOT want to take the final. No no, I don’t want to, that one will be too hard. This past week I’ve been going to bed around 2am surrounded by books. Fortunately, I think I did well enough. It seems that all the stress is coming out and my anxiety is lowering now because I suddenly feel so tired!

Random comment: When we go to the Red Cross to participate on lectures or talks or plan things or something like that, we usually bring things to share, you know, food and snacks. I have this theory that food brings people together. So this Saturday I’m going to make tiny fried Arepas (Venezuelan food porn here) for all of them! And next Saturday I will make fried plantain chips and every Saturday I will make another Venezuelan stuff haha.

There’s this thing about me that has been bothering me for a while. I’m too boring. I decided that I want to push myself out of my comfort zone, at least a little bit. I feel like I miss so many fun stuff because I’m too shy. Even around familiar people, I always feel embarrassed to do things, or like I’m going to look ridiculous or stupid or that people are going to judge me, I’m too shy. So I always stay there watching while people have fun. Even for taking photos! And this is such a contradiction because I freaking love photography, but I feel so embarrassed when I have to take photos in public, especially if I appear in them, not to mention selfies, gawd! I usually have great ideas for taking pictures, funny pictures, cool pictures, silly pictures. But 90% of them never make it because I feel like everyone is staring and that I look ridiculous. Like, why haven’t I said my name and why do I write this in English when it is not even my first language, because I was freaking afraid that this would seem too stupid to others and they would think it is ridiculous. And this is just a little example,  but I’m tired of that. I realized that this is wrong, that I should not care what people will or will not think. I want to talk to people, I want to have fun, try new stuff! I’m tired of being the shy quiet girl.

I know it will be hard and it will take time until I finally make it, but this will be my New Year’s Resolution (yes, I know it is almost the middle of the year, but so what??? Stop judging ugh! Haha). I am determined to accomplish this before 2017 is over. This may be a good time to ask YOU, how are you doing with your New Year’s Resolutions? Tell me! I wanna know about you. It is maybe a good time to go back to what you left unfinished, don’t ya think? It might be a good idea, you know.

Thank you for reading, see you on my next post!

B.

P.S: if you read until here, PLEASE leave me a comment, just a yes or no: I want to do a Q&A, would you submit some questions? (yes or no?). Please, please, leave me your answer in the comments!

Sooner or later

Sooo, I had trouble with the internet again, which translates into not posting. Hell, why do I start every post apologizing for not posting? I should be way more regular.

Last post I talked about how wonderful everything was going, but, as expected, not everything is rose colored. Last week was a tiny bit of a hell. I was super emotional and afraid and my anxiety levels grew so, so much. I turned my fingers into a disaster by ripping my cuticles off with my teeth, yes, it is so gross, I know that.

Friday and Saturday were super weird days. My day went back to Venezuela Saturday morning and that pretty much explains why I was so emotional. So I was left all alone with nothing more than strangers, fortunately, I think everything is slowly working a little better, but it feels weird as hell. Putting this aside, Saturday was a very good day, I had the opportunity to work with the Red Cross in a marathon, that was exactly what I needed. I needed to go out and be surrounded by people, I had the luck to be surrounded by people who make me feel home, the best of both worlds, you know? Going out and doing what I’m passionate about.

Academically speaking, I’m doing well but at the same time I’m not. I’m so stressed because mid terms start next week and I know I already said how easy this is and that it is literally nothing compared to medical school, but I’m so worried about the history thing… I can’t seem to focus, I can’t hold things, I don’t understand what the teachers talk about. I’ve watched movies, documentaries, read books, asked for help, but. I. Can’t. Hold. Anything. On. My. Mind. Fuck. We are allowed to have books and notebooks for the test, but that just makes me worry more, because when they give you this chance is because questions are usually more complicated. I don’t know what to think. I’m also worried about math and chemistry but in a different way, I just can’t believe it is that easy, and that will make me forget about something or be too confident and I will make mistakes.

Why do I always talk about the same? Hell, my life is so boring. I wish I were more talented at writing and I could pull up an entire letter, story or post out of nowhere. I think so many things and I realize so many things, but I cannot translate them into words and that is so frustrating. And woah! I just remember I reached +35 followers! Whaaaat? When?! Yes, it is not too much, but I honestly thought NO ONE would be interested in reading this, so you are making me SO happy, yes, YOU, the one reading this. Thank you for stopping by. I’m looking forward to know more of you, so why don’t you leave me a comment? Tell me what you like, what you would like to read, any idea you get, anything you want to comment. Because this is for you J

Another thing about me is that my paragraphs are completely disconnected from each other most of the times… Here you have an idea of how disorganized my mind is, which makes me a total contradiction. This blog should be called A Walking Contradiction, don’t you think? Why didn’t I come up with that name before…?

I have this thing that is “bothering” me… I don’t know if it bothers me, but I just can’t get it out of my mind. I don’t really know how to start talking about it or how to describe it because it feels like a long story, it started back in November and I’m pretty sure I never mentioned here… Why? I have no freaking idea. Maybe because it is the first time something like this happens to me and like a day before it I just thought the whole subject was completely stupid. Yeah… I’m talking about a boy, I realized I had this very strong crush on someone I met at the hospital, I was amazed by how his eyes light up doing what we both seem to love so much, being there and making people smile. He’s such a nice guy, I don’t know, maybe I’m talking bullshit or maybe it was the circumstances under which we met, but he seems so different to me. We started really talking around December and it was great, he’s super caring and sweet.

As we kept talking and talking I realized I had such a strong interest on him. Every time I had to go to the hospital, besides the usual thoughts of being super excited about going and having such a good time, I noticed that I was also so excited to see him. It wasn’t just a crush and it seemed mutual. I had no idea what was happening because I had never felt like this before, ever. And for the first time I wasn’t afraid of getting hurt, of what people would think, of what my parents would think.

What happened then? I left. I freaking left and now I’m thousands of miles away. That was when I started being afraid, because I know what distance does and I didn’t want to lose him no matter how cheesy this sounds. He wrote me such beautiful things and I like him so much, he never judged me, he always listened and he treated me so well. He told me he is in love with me. And gawd, he supported me that night I was crashing into little pieces before the flight, he stayed there the whole time, even until the very last minute I got on the plane and took off. I hate long distance relationships, I haven’t had good experiences with friends and family who have left. It always happens the same, people move on, on both sides maybe, and that is totally fine, the problem is that it seems that by “moving on” people understand “forget about everything and keep walking”, so I definitely didn’t want that to happen with him, not at all, ever. I told him this, and he promised me to always be there for me, deep inside I  knew that sooner or later, it would happen. Maybe I just thought  it wouldn’t be this soon.

Something changed and I don’t know why. He’s so distant, we hardly ever talk anymore and when we do it is because I start the conversation, I don’t have any problems with that at all, but I feel like he’s not interested in talking because his answers are so short and cut and whatever. I tried asking but he keeps insisting everything is fine. It is not, I know it is not. He used to text me everyday, we used to talk so much. Now he barely says hi and I’m so confused because one day he says he loves me so much and misses me so much and talks so much and the next day the conversation dies in “how are you? Fine and you? Fine.”

Like two weeks ago we were talking on Skype and the conversation felt so weird, he just kept checking his phone, or hanging out on facebook… Barely looked at me. Nothing compared to the first time we talked on Skype since I’m here. And he said something that made me feel so insecure. I don’t know… I feel like I’m being so stupid and talking shit and this post is so senseless.

Whatever. I knew he would change his mind, no matter how hard he tried not to and how hard I tried to believe all the beautiful things he said and promised, it wasn’t really hard, you know? Everything felt very honest, but that just makes me feel more confused now so I’m just trying to convince myself that I already knew sooner or later it would happen.

Is it always like this?

B.

The place I belong to

I feel like it’s been forever since my last post. To be honest, I don’t have any excuses for that, besides that I’ve been super tired lately so when I get home the least thing I want to do is to grab my computer… Soooo, it’s been almost three months!

I hope you’re not getting bored of me always talking about moving, but hey, it is a pretty shocking and exciting experience! I don’t have many new things to say, but at the same time I do. Classes have been going well, they’re very easy so far. Mid terms start around May 18th and the first one is history! Gawd, this is the only subject I’m struggling with, I can’t seem to remember anything I try to study, I have no idea what the teacher is talking about, the more I read, the less I understand… Putting history aside, Math and Chemistry are doing pretty well.

Anyway, the point of this post isn’t exactly an update. The point of this is talking about one of my passions because every day I convince more and more that this is the best thing I could possibly have chosen. If you’ve read previous posts, you might already know what I’m talking about. Yes, you’re right: Red Cross.

Last Saturday all aspiring volunteers started taking some sort of “classes”, they’re more like informative talks or whatever. So there were volunteers and aspirants, everyone had to introduce themselves individually: name, age, where you live, what you do and some “random fact”. We were around 30 people in the room and I was one of the last ones. I said I am from Venezuela and everyone was kinda excited because of that, ha! They showed a lot of interest and were really warm and welcoming. Next day, one of the director left me a message on my Facebook saying “Welcome to Argentina and welcome to our Red Cross” and added me to a lot of groups with other volunteers, I found that really cute, no one had been so nice to me since I got here. She asked me, during the class, if I came here with my family or not, so she said that now I can have another family with them, and everyone agreed.

Yesterday I had to go again, I was late because the bus was a little delayed and my aspiring team mates were all like “hey! Come here, we saved you a spot!”, they’re adorable people. Fun fact: my team mates are mostly women around 40ish. There’s this woman who gives me a ride to the bus stop because we finish at night and it is like 6 or 7 blocks away, so we chatted a little bit and she gave me her number and told me I could call her if I need something, if I got lost or don’t know how to get somewhere, if I had to do any kind of paperwork. She said “I have a 16 year old daughter, I don’t have any problem to have a new daughter: you!”. This was extremely sweet.

What I’m trying to say with all of this is that it is incredible that people who do not know you at all, who do not have any reason to pay attention to you, care more than your own family. I mean, I already knew this because everyone says it, but it is still a little hard to accept, I guess? And it is hard because I’m the new girl, the stranger, the foreigner, the girl who knows no one. So, again, I’ve found my place in the world. I found people I can relate to and share some of the same interests, I’ve found, at the Red Cross, the place I feel safe, the place I belong to. I’ve found my second family, as they said. I came here with a lot of stereotypes and prejudgments about people; I know, that is wrong, but we’re all guilty of something. And these people proved me wrong, I’m so glad about that. I’ve been here for almost three months and NO ONE had been so nice, so charm, so human to me, everyone seemed to fit my stereotypes completely and perfectly, so I cannot be more thankful for the day I decided to join the Red Cross in the very first place. Yesterday I was super emotional (as I imagine I will be the whole week until who knows when) and just being around them made me feel so much better, I felt so supported, so good. And I kinda knew that I could found all of this there, with them, because that is what you expect in a volunteer, you know?

And what is it like to be a Red Cross volunteer? I’m kind of new to this, comparing to others, but I have a complete idea of what it’s like. It is one of the most fulfilling and rewarding experiences, more than a paid job.  It is an opportunity to give back, to be able to say you ARE doing something to change the world, because little actions lead to huge results. It’s also an opportunity to grow as a person, because we see so many things, we see the worst and the best of humanity and it makes you realize that you can find so much beauty even in the most terrible scenarios. It’s that feeling you get in the chest when someone looks at you in the eye and says a super heart-felt “thank you”, when they see you and the Emblem and you spot a look of hope in them, when you realize that you mean so much to someone for doing so little, when they look at you and you can see how their eyes bright up. It is so many hard and beautiful things together. It is amazing.

I cannot fully describe how I feel and how these people are. I cannot express my love for the Red Cross and for everything we do there. It is just beyond words. I can just assure you it is the best thing I’ve ever done.

B.

Mystery Blogger Award

Hello you again! I’m so glad you’re reading this. You can pretty much tell already by the title of my post what this is all about. It is my first time doing this thing and I have to admit I am so excited and surprised since I learned that I had been nominated. The lovely Tori from Dreams and Schemes nominated me and I need to thank her a lot for that, you rock girl! Here’s a link to her post too. So, as you may (or may not, I didn’t) know, this award was created by Okoto Enigma, so there you have the link to her blog and to the original post.

Let’s have the rules over here:

• Put the award logo/image on your blog.
• List the rules.
• Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
• Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well.
• Tell your readers 3 things about yourself.
• You have to nominate 10 – 20 people.
• Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.
• Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify).
• Share a link to your best post(s).

So, I don’t have many more to say, I’ll let you enjoy the post!

THREE THINGS ABOUT ME:

1. When I’m doing homework I love to listen to music, but only if I’m working on something number-related. If I’m working on something that involves words, I can’t listen to music at all. I need to be in a completely quiet room.
2. When I eat a cupcake or anything with any kind of frosting on, I eat the bottom first (the part with less frosting) and then the top.
3. I love to smell a book before and after I read it.

QUESTIONS I WAS ASKED

spoiler: these questions made me realize my stories are soooo not inspiring!

-What inspired you to start a blog?

Honestly? I have no idea. Or maybe I do. Here’s the deal: I actually wanted to start a vlog because I love Monica Church’s vlogs (she’s great, check it out by yourself here), but I knew I would never do it for two main reasons: 1. I am sooo freakin shy, I can’t even take a picture without feeling I seem ridiculous so I knew I wouldn’t be able to walk around with a camera while talking to it, as much as I wanted it. 2. I don’t have a proper camera or a computer that wouldn’t get stuck every five seconds while editing a video. So I once found (don’t ask me why because I totally forgot) Hideaway Girl’s blog and I literally said “woooah, having a blog is so cool. I want to have one” and so this journey began.

-How do you come up with posts ideas?

I don’t have any secret to it. I honestly just write a post whenever I feel like doing it about whatever I feel like writing. It usually happens in one of these two situations: I’m either too excited or in a good mood, or just so sad about something that I need to get it off my mind and therefore I write. Usually the first situation is better because I come up with more ideas, and I feel like my posts turn out better.

-How do you stay inspired?

I don’t think I stay inspired whatsoever, ha! I usually struggle a lot with that. Sometimes I reeeeally want to post, but gosh! I can’t think of one single thing.

-What would your advice be to other bloggers, new and old?

Good question. I do not know. I can’t really think of any advice because I’m still trying to figure this whole thing out myself, so… But I’m probably going to say something super cliché like “be yourself”. But hey, this is actually a good one! I think it is actually the best advice every blogger could get, be yourself. No matter how boring you think you are, or how weird you think you are, or whatever, being yourself is much better than pretending to be something you’re definitely not.

-What are your favorite blog topics to read?

I love reading personal blogs, lifestyle blogs, daily blogs. That kinda stuff. Especially personal blogs where people post whatever the hell it is on their minds, inspiring stuff, stories, whatever.

-Funny/weird one: What is the weirdest/craziest experience you have had or heard about?

This kind of questions is always so hard for me because I can never think of something because I kinda forget, I don’t know, my memory is a weird thing. Anyway, the most recent “weird” thing that has happened to me is that there is this guy (which I may or may not talk about later), he’s a volunteer at the Red Cross too and we went to the hospital together because he’s the coordinator of this activity, so we talk a lot and stuff, this is not very important to the story. I joined the Red Cross with another friend and so the first time she saw him she said “heyyy that’s the guy from the first aids course! He was explaining how to drag people and those things!!” and I was like “woooah, really??? He was the one who was dragging me around all over the floor (yeah, literally)?” and I asked him if he remembered and he totally didn’t, neither of us does, which is very funny because he was literally just a few centimeters from my face and body in general. This will make the best “how did you meet?” story.

LINK TO MY BEST POST/S

Mmm… I can’t really tell which is/are my best one/s! That’s up to you! But, statistically, these are my best posts: Moving(…), I wish(…). But my favorite posts are these ones: Life(…), Dear(…) and What do (…)

MY QUESTIONS TO YOU:

• Why did you start blogging?
• Who’s your favorite blogger?
• What is your favorite smell and why?
• What is the thing you most enjoy doing?
• Funny/weird one: if you were arrested and given no explanation whatsoever, what would your friends and family assure you did?

MY NOMINEES

1. White Bear Online
2. Just Call me Elm or Something
3. LIFE IN A BLOGSHELL
4. Waves of Awesomeness
5. Vagary Fox
6. Life In Kateish
7. Hideaway Girl
8. Awkwardsaurus
9. UNCREA
10. Chaos and Calm

Hope you enjoyed reading as I enjoyed writing! See you on the next post.

B.

First two weeks of college

Good morning/evening/whatever time it is when you’re reading this! It’s been a while since my last post and I was planning to do a First Week post instead of Second, but whatever. I don’t really have an excuse.

First of all, last night I was thinking about my blog and I realized that the name doesn’t make much sense and it is pretty much my fault. I do wear glasses, but for some reason, I’m not wearing them in any of the pictures I’ve posted here. I use them mostly when I’m reading/writing, using the computer and such activities. So here it’s me! And this is my life through my glasses.

Soooo, COLLEGE! I’m a college girl! I honestly have to admit that it isn’t as scary as I thought it would be, and believe me that is a huge compliment coming from me. I am taking my pre medical classes and I knew it would be kinda easy but I didn’t thought it would be this easy. Yes, I know, I’m only 2 weeks in, but trust me, they’re too easy so far. Let’s see what happens in a month or so. I only have 3 subjects per term, so I’m currently studying Math, Chemistry and some other subject that that I definitely don’t like because it is some kind of history mixed with politics, I don’t know anything of it because heyyy I’m new here! But oh well. I have class from Monday to Friday except Wednesdays, so these past two Wednesdays I’ve used them to be a tourist and go explore the city! I love it so much, really.

First day was very nice. I had Math and History. Second was kinda boring because I only had Chemistry, but the most important part of the story is that for the first time I felt totally okay with being alone in a school related place! I mean, I’m not the kind of person who has lots of friends, I think I can really count them with just one hand (okay, maybe not really, but I don’t have many friends), but for some reason I didn’t like to be completely alone at school or basically anywhere because I would feel like the weirdo with no friends or that people would stare because of that and I hate being noticed. I felt like I needed someone I could talk to or someone to walk with me through the hallways. But here it was like I didn’t really care. This was the thing that was worrying me the most, it is very hard for me to make friends and being in a place where you have absolutely no possibilities of finding someone you know made it feel even worse.

And heeey! I MADE FRIENDS! Kinda… Maybe. I mean, I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone and she asked me if I had talked to someone already, I obviously hadn’t, I hardly ever start conversations. So she made me promise her that I would talk to someone at least once a day, it was like a bet, so you know that when someone says “I bet you can’t (…)”, it is like it automatically gives you superpowers to basically do whatever shit you can think of, just to prove that person wrong. On Tuesday this week, I was waiting outside the classroom for the teacher to come and there were some other girls. There was this one that she looked nice and kinda like me so I just decided to use the super cliché conversation opener “can you tell me what time it is?”, yes, I’m guilty of forever being a walking cliché, but it worked! She kinda started talking after that and then another girl joined and then another. The first girl that joined turns out to take the same bus as me after class, so now I’m not going to be dying of boredom during the ride home, which is like 30-40 min. At the end we didn’t have class because of something that I’m too lazy to explain and it is non-sense, so whatever. But yay! I’m not the loner anymore! Kinda… Maybe.

People always ask me where I’m from every time I speak. And wow sometimes it is so hard to understand people because there are some words that I have no idea what they mean! Especially in informal speech, woooah. But then I remember they don’t understand me either so it’s all good, ha! Speaking of where I’m from… Coincides are a weird thing, well, I don’t really believe in coincidences but that’s a story for another post. The thing is that I used to get my nails done every once in a while because I have very fragile nails so, let me recreate a little fragment of a conversation I had with my manicurist in December:

• Her: so what are you doing for the holidays?
• Me: nothing special, I’m going to my grands’ house.
• Her: oh! That’s cool! Is it your mom’s or dad’s family?
• Me: my mom’s. My dad’s family is in Argentina.
• Her: ohh! I’m going there next year.
• *I was having a little heart attack at this point*
• Me: wait… like going going or vacations?
• Her: I’m moving there.
• Me: HOLY SHIT! REALLY? I AM TOOOOO!

And well, then we were just shocked for a little while and started talking about it for the rest of the evening. It is not a thing that always happen! When you move, especially abroad, you don’t expect that you’ll find familiar people, you kinda prepare yourself for being so alone. So she got here two weeks ago and I went to see her this week. It was so great finally seeing someone I know, it felt SO fresh. It is not like we talk a lot, but now, here, it’s something like you have a bond with everyone from your country that you can find. We somehow somewhat have each other now.

Finally, another story from this week: I almost die from hypothermia. I swear, it was SO FREAKIN cold. It is autumn now and it had been raining since Saturday. So, on Monday, it was very cloudy and slightly raining, but the temperature was definitely okay. I put on a sweater and a rain jacket and left home. But gosh, by the time I got out of class, I thought I would literally freeze there. It was raining so much and there was so much wind! My converse were all wet and I felt like I was wearing a sleeveless shirt. I had to wait for the bus for around 20 min, then wait for the other (yeah, I missed the stop and had to take another to get home), so by the time I finally got home, I was a life-sized walking ice cube! I couldn’t feel my toes, my hands, my ears and my nose! Holy shit. It left me with a trauma now, ha! Fortunately, I’m not the only one hahaha the next day everyone was carrying like two jackets just in case!

This is it for now. I don’t think it is a great post, but I really felt like writing all of this down. Hope you at least enjoyed! See you on my next post.

B.

What happens when time goes by? + Little update!

Hello you again! I’m happy you’re reading my post. I wish I had something super interesting to talk about, but I don’t. This is like a little “update” post because I am really excited.

This last week I’ve been in a terrible mood, I couldn’t even stand myself and I’ve been feeling so, so down. Fortunately, weekend got better! One of the things I’ve been missing the most is the Red Cross (by the way, it would be very this to remind this post, I very much like how it turned out), really, I missed it so badly. Joining and becoming a volunteer is one of the best and most beautiful decisions I’ve ever made in my life so far, let me know if you’d like to hear more about it. So I said why not continue that work here? I contacted the director and set up a meeting to talk about joining here, we met yesterday! But the first adventure of the day was going all by myself! It was my first time since I am here going alone somewhere, I had to take the bus and I was so afraid I would get lost, ha! I would be constantly looking at the map on my phone, and there are so many different bus lines, gawd. But it was easy, I didn’t get lost and didn’t make any mistakes.

Congratulations me! I’m a volunteer once again! I am very excited about this, now I can help introduce some activities that are very nice and that we used to do back in Venezuela, which they don’t here. I will also take more classes on first aids and basic life support! This is amazing, I cannot describe how much I like this. My new director seems pretty nice, she looks kind and she was happy to have me. Can’t wait to go again this week!

Although Saturday ended very well, it didn’t start much like it. I was supposed to get my classes schedule in the morning, so I spent most Friday night wondering about it, I was super curious, and I cannot sleep very well when I’m curious about something! So first thing I did Saturday morning was grabbing my phone and checking the Uni website, I was so disappointed when I saw that they changed the date to today, like, really? I have to suffer for one more day? I was very worried because in the application, I had to put two options for place and shift –Let’s clear this out: I think I already mentioned it, or maybe I didn’t, I’m going to medical school but first I have to do pre meds for one year, the university doesn’t have a campus, all the different schools are kinda nearby each other but all around the city. This pre medical course has more than just one place where you can take it–, my first option was in the closest place to me and the morning shift, the other was the second closest place and the evening shift because I couldn’t put twice the same shift. So I really really, REALLY wanted to have my first option, because to me it is very very weird going to school in the evening, but I had this kind of feeling that I wouldn’t get what I wanted because I’m hardly ever that lucky!

So I stayed up until midnight because I could not stand another night wondering what my schedule would be. I checked the website exactly at 00:03 hrs, it was there! FINALLY! The first thing looked for was the place, I didn’t care the classes and days, I wanted to know the place. I GOT THE ONE I WANTED! But wait, it’s not over yet, I got the place I wanted, then my dad asked the hours… I got the evening shift. REALLY UNIVERSE? I was disappointed, but you know something? I’m actually so excited now! I’m starting college! TOMORROW! I’m pretty sure that after two days I will be like “when do I have vacations again?”, but it is still very exciting.

I can’t believe this day is already here, I remember when I just started high school, it felt so far away. Now it’s like I blinked and here is college! I learned something during my senior year, besides school material. I learned that I let go of so many things, I wish I had done more. I spend 80% of my time studying, my nose stuck between the pages of a book, because I liked it, and I like good results, also because I thought this was everything that mattered and because it was my distraction, my getaway. During senior year I shared with more people, met new people, tried new things. And it was great. If you’re still in high school, even in senior year, do your best! Promise me, please. Enjoy every moment you get, dare to try new things because I’m telling you that the feeling is awesome! Study, yes, it is very important, but also be you! Studying paid me really well, I got so many benefits from it, so it was absolutely worthy. I just wish I had dedicated a little bit more time to myself.

Life is like this, time goes by very quickly. We’re so busy saying we are busy that we forget to enjoy the moments. What happens when time goes by? One day it hits you, and you realize that all of those things you used to do are only memories, and memories make us who we are, it is our life. We cannot stop time. Let’s make a promise to ourselves, we will live our life. Laugh, dance, sing out loud, smile, hug people, tell people you love them, do that thing you always wanted to try and just live. It is true what they say, life is too short. It is too short to be worrying over something, to make it more complicated, to create more problems. My mom always told me “all problems have a solution, if they don’t, then they’re not problems”, I believe her. I believe that is true. There are some things we cannot change and have to accept no matter how much it hurts, but once you do, you get so much weight off your shoulders, I promise, once you let go of those things that are aggravating you and can’t change, you feel so much better, it lets you see all that you’re missing right now just because of focusing in the bad. We cannot afford that, missing things. Because at the end, it is the memories that count.

B.

It is not fair

There is this thing that has been bothering me since last night. This won’t be my regular optimistic, inspiring or random post. It is just something that needs to be written.

Every night I watch tv with my dad, we usually first watch the news and then just any movie that it’s on. So yesterday we were watching the news and we decided to switch to another news channel, they were talking about Venezuela. They were showing some videos and talking to a reporter there. I don’t know how aware you are of the things that are happening there right now, but please keep reading this.

They didn’t say anything I didn’t know. I had seen those stories in real life, heard them from close people, but for some reason it felt so different. It’s like seeing how people look at us from the outside, what our name represents to the rest of the world. These stories need to be seen, need to be shared, because it is totally unfair. But it hurt me so much, it felt horrible, because it is not fair what’s happening. It is not fair that Venezuela is going through this, it is not fair that the image the world has is corruption, crisis, hunger and desperation. And I’m not saying this is not true, because we cannot deny this and it needs to be known, but it hurts. It hurts because it’s my country, my people, it’s the place that saw me grow, the place where all my memories are held, my family is there. Venezuela is my life. I may not be there anymore, but I think that makes it hurt more than ever.

And I won’t stop saying that it’s not fair because people do not deserve this, I can certify that there are so many good people there, fighters, entrepreneurs, people with dreams and hopes and aspirations, people who deserve to have a future. How is it possible that they’re in so much misery now?

I cannot explain what I felt last night. I felt hurt, frustration, sadness. What’s happening is indignant, it’s pathetic, it’s so sad. How is it possible that newborns have to be put in carton boxes because there’s no other place to put them in hospitals? How is it possible that mothers give birth in hospital hallways because they don’t have more beds? How do you tell a child “I’m sorry sweetie, I don’t know how we’re going to eat today because I couldn’t find anything”? It is a huge economic, political and social crisis and I’m not trying to talk about politics, fuck politics if you want. The important here is not who is governing, who has the power, what matters here is the people.

This crisis has forced people to take extraordinary measures, I’m not justifying, but when you do not have what to eat, what to give your children, when you see a loved one die because they can’t find the medication they need, you don’t really think your actions. You just want solutions. And they need solutions. How many times have I been worried when my mom gets a cold? Do you think that’s fair? It is common cold for God’s sake. But it’s reality. There’s no money, there are no jobs, there is no food, there is no medication or medical supplies in general.

I’ve seen so many sad scenarios. So many people die in hospitals, so many people are starving to death. Why? Because a government, who’s been the same for 18 years, destroyed my country. They destroyed one of the richest countries in the world, one the most beautiful countries in the world. A corrupt government who call themselves “socialist”, they’re not socialist, they’re not democratic, I don’t know what they are. Ask any of them, they say it’s all a lie, “we have enough to feed three nations”, but do you see them lose any weight? No, they don’t have to starve, they can find anything they want. But this is not my point, I don’t want to talk about politics. I need something good happening to my people because it’s not fair.

It is so frustrating because you start to think, how do you rebuild a country? How long will the help take, if it ever works? How do you cure a broken society? What can a simple person do?

When I was at the airport, about to get through security and my passport checked, there was this girl behind me crying, I think she was older than me, she was holding her stuff and a picture, she grabbed her phone and called her mom, looking through the window (you can see from the inside, not from the outside) she said “mom, please remember that I love you and I love all of you. We will meet again, bye, be safe”. Before this, at check-in area, you can see how many families are being separated, people crying, hugging each other, saying goodbye. It’s a hard thing to see, and it is even harder to be in that place. It’s super hard.

No matter what happens, this will always be my home, my history. And I can’t wait for the day I go back, I just wish that it could be different. Better things have to come, something good needs to happen. People dying, starving, being killed everyday. Extremely long files outside supermarkets to see IF you can find the basics, no water, no electricity, no medicines. Having to pay 10 times the price of something like flour, sugar, toilet paper, because you cannot find it in stores. Closed industries, factories, people leaving the country. Everything you can think of is imported, no national production. My list can go on and on, believe me.

Just google some photos, some articles, find the good and the bad, and you will see what I mean. An amazing country that has been turned into a mess. Amazing people, great people. An amazing culture. Everyone is trying to find their way through the crisis, you can see how, in misery, people stand together. We couldn’t ask for more, beautiful beaches, great mountains, forest, jungle, the most ancient geologic formation of the world, beautiful music, beautiful cultures. People with great hearts and aspirations, people who wake up every day and keep fighting. I can’t even describe with words how great my country is. But this… this, my friend, it is not fair.

B.

I wish someone had told me this

For some reason, I come up with tons of posts ideas at night when I’m trying to sleep, but then I forget them all or maybe I still remember them but I’m not as inspired to write them as I was at night. I’ve been wanting to blog so badly but I’m lately lacking creativity… This is super annoying. So if you want to read about something specific just let me a comment or a message in the contact section! I will be more than happy with that and try to do all your requests.

Today I want you to know something I wish I realized before. These weeks I’ve had a lot of time to think, like seriously a lot. I’ve also read a lot of posts and I came up with the thought that, damn, there are so many things that we should know are okay.

It’s okay… there have been times where I would have needed so much that someone told me this, but I’m telling you now. It’s okay to be afraid, it’s okay to cry and it’s okay to be mad. This is an important thing to have in mind, how many times have you waited until everyone is asleep so you can cry your eyes out? Be honest, how many? How many times have you lied saying you’re okay? Now, ask yourself why you do it. We do that because since we are kids they tell you “shhh, everything’s fine, stop crying, you’re not going to be a pretty girl/handsome boy if you keep crying”, they do not tell you this in order to offend you, they tell you this because they really want you to be okay, but is it the best way? At the time, of course we never see it as if they’re telling us that it is not okay to do it, but that is the message our brains receive. That is the message society keeps.

We grow up watching fairy tales and movies with happy endings and we get so disappointed when we grow up. But you know something? This is what it is. Friendships aren’t like movies, there’s no such thing as a perfect family. Your heart is gonna get broken and put back together a thousand times. You can say no. It’s okay to have a “me time”. Things change. People move on. Yes, all of this is scary, and you know what that means? It means you’re still alive. It means you’re alive and you can still feel. That is awesome. Fear and pain are a part of life and what matters is how you react to them. If there is anything I’ve learned these past few months is that we have so much to learn from others… There are people out there who are having such a bad time, but they still allow themselves to smile, it is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. It all may not be rose colored, but there’s beauty everywhere, you just have to allow yourself to see it. Enjoy, smile, dance, sing out loud, laugh ‘til you cry and your face hurts, shout to the world you’re still alive.

The important thing is that you always remember that it’s okay, people will hurt you and you will hurt people, you will feel like you want to disappear forever, you will be scared as hell, you will be filled with joys and disappointments, and all of that is okay. Don’t be afraid to tell people you love them, speak your feelings, who cares if the other person doesn’t feel the same? Better to know now! So, please, just live, hug people, talk to people, impress people. There isn’t any rule saying that you have to wait for the other person to text first, if you want to talk to someone, do it! Text them, call them, show up to their house. Time goes by way too fast to waste it. In the end, it is your memories and experiences that will make you who you are. Do not stop yourself for being afraid. I wish someone had told me this before… I wish I had known that I don’t always have to feel okay, that everyone struggles.

I know it now, yes. But it’s hard to accept it now. I’m still afraid and I’m embarrassed to cry in front of others. I still waste my time thinking “what would everyone else say?”, and this is what is not okay. There is another thing I learned and I want you to know. You are not alone. Do not tell me I’m wrong, you are not alone. There is so many people caring about you and you don’t even realize it. The problem with us is we do not speak our feelings (I’m 1000% guilty of this), so I can’t blame you for thinking nobody cares about you, but you’re wrong. We all have someone who cares about us. You just have to look around, even if it’s hidden, there’s always someone out there giving you their hand to help. Open your mind, open your heart. This is not something you will make in just one day, it takes time, but promise me you will give yourself the opportunity to actually live.

I hope you enjoyed reading this and I hope it helped somehow. I am here for you.

B.

Welcome to Buenos Aires

I realized that I never actually said where I moved… So I have to tell you: Welcome to Buenos Aires!

Technically, I am not in Buenos Aires City, in fact I’m like 25-30 minutes from it on the bus, but I will go there pretty often while studying. I have to say this city is amazing; I love the architecture, the weather, the parks. The other day I had to do some paperwork for college and stuff like that and who said you can’t be a tourist while doing paperwork?! As I was walking around with my dad trying to find a place for photocopies, I decided to take some pictures, so yesterday I was freaking out because I’ve not been posting as regularly as I’d like and I’m seriously lacking of creativity and inspiration but then I told to myself “why not sharing your amazingly amateur pictures?”, I wish I had some interesting comments about the places I went and I honestly have no idea how to make a photo post look good… Right now I’m typing this in a Word document before actually posting it to WordPress, so by the time you (yes, YOU) are reading this, I might have done a little research on how to make it look good…

What is a post from me without a little rant? Nothing. Seriously. It’s just not me. I’ve been feeling so weird these days, my mood has being going from upbeat and active to… “ugh” and “blah”. There are some days I feel like going to the roof and screaming “THIS IS GREAT!” or just jumping to a stranger and say hi, then there are some days… that I don’t really want to talk to anyone, not even to myself. Sometimes I feel so alone… So, so alone. My friends aren’t around anymore. I don’t have who to talk to. And someone that has become a very special person for me is having some bad days so I don’t want to be annoying. Why don’t we better talk about cool things like Buenos Aires?

I’ve been here 3 times before, I think I mentioned on previous posts that I have family here, so that’s the reason! Every time I’m here, I fall more and more in love with this city. Everything is so different from what I’m used to, so beautiful, so European. The architecture, I mean. It reminds me of movies from Spain, England or France. Today I actually went shopping, kinda. In fact, I went to see how much it will cost me to be safely warm during this winter hahaha as you may know –or not– back in Venezuela we don’t really have different seasons, the temperature is constantly warm during the whole year with some little variations depending on the area and if it’s rain season or not, but it never gets cold, so I obviously have no winter clothes and I need to get ready for July –or was it June…?–, my point is that it was fun, I saw so many beautiful things. Also some horrible things… gosh, no offence to anyone at all, but people here have such a different taste. It was a good day. Today was good. Now let’s see what tomorrow brings! It’s been like that lately, I have good and bad days, but hey it’s been only a month and a half! I still have a lot of road left, it will get better, I know it. One day, I will look back and all of these strange feelings will be there: behind me. Next week I’m going to the city again, to keep looking for clothes and preparing my budget and to renew my passport! So for now, I will leave you with my photos.

A little about the pictures you’re about to see

I took these pictures while doing some paperwork nearby the School of Medicine, so in the first picture you’re gonna see me –the girl behind this blog, the author of these words– awkwardly laughing because of something my dad said. Because I am so cool and for some reason that day I was feeling like some super badass photographer, I took a picture of the subway, I know, it’s not my best picture, it actually sucks and I don’t know why I’m even posting it, but who cares. After finishing what we were up to, I dragged my dad all the way through the city and went to the Government House, the Pink House, the last time I was there it was so windy and cloudy, that day was beautifully sunny! So the pictures turned out really good for me. After taking photos there, I walked through Plaza de Mayo (right there in front of the House) and found some adorable pigeons, okay, they’re normal pigeons, but fun fact: they don’t fly if you walk near them. There were so many! But they’re used to people feeding them, so they never leave. Who know why I decided to take a picture of that. Last, but not least, the City Hall! I think that is my favorite picture, I honestly believe it turned out really good. Someday, I will be able to buy myself a camera! In that area there are like 4 historical/important buildings: the Pink House, City Hall, the Cathedral and the Bank of the Argentinean Nation, all around Plaza de Mayo (like May, btw, not mayonnaise, ha! Jk).

If you have any questions or want to say anything at all, please don’t hesitate to leave me a comment! You make my day by doing that.

Enjoy!